Sunday, July 1, 2012

Sunday Snickers: Researchers hail benefits of dog spit

Laboratory technician Skipper applies substance in question to skin of research subject #22
Photo: Elena Gerostathopoulou

The question has loomed for as long as canines have hung around with primates. Should we or should we not allow dogs to kiss us?

According to a new study, if we wish to preserve our health and well-being, we definitely need to let the pooch give us that smooch.

Researchers at Laika University in Rin Tin Tin, Virginia today announced their findings that not only is dog saliva harmless, it is actually beneficial.

Writing in The Journal of Human-Animal Symbiosis Dr. Patrick J. Pupwhipt reported that the controversial substance possesses demonstrably curative powers, especially in the larger quantities produced in the mouth of, for example, a St. Bernard or a Great Dane.

Further, Pupwhipt and his colleagues maintain that humans who abstain from regular applications of canine oral fluids run the risk of falling prey to several debilitating illnesses.

Doggie drool boosts immunity

Titled “Canine Saliva and Human Health,” the study found that:

  • Certain enzymes in dog spit can boost human immunity to a variety of ailments such as hissy fits, temper tantrums, tempests in teapots, and worry warts.
  • Thirty-two percent of the humans used in the study were genetically incapable of long-term function without semi-regular applications of canine slobber. They were found to be prone to such behaviors as curling up into balls and telling everybody to “Go away and just bring me a dog,” banging their heads against the wall and moaning “Only my dog understands me,” hoarding food from meals in the hope that they would encounter a dog, and babbling streams of nearly unintelligible endearments through grateful tears when they finally did.
  • The beneficial potency of dog spit increases by approximately 92% when applied directly by a dog, either transdermally to the hand, cheek, nose, or ear, or most powerfully, onto the lips in the traditional “pooch smooch.”
In the double-blind, four-year-long study technicians administered thrice-daily doses of doggie drool to some of the 107 human subjects while leaving other subjects spit-less.

Ranging in age from one to 86 years, the humans were obtained from Sunny Dell Farms, an Arizona breeding and boarding facility, and selected based on a variety of criteria including their genes, overall health or lack thereof, psycho-emotional temperament, socialization level, and touch tolerance, so as to provide a broad sampling of people in general, according to Pupwhipt.

Study results questioned

Critics of the study, such as the American League of Observant Felines (ALOOF) allege that the Laika University scientists relied on too many indeterminate variables.

ALOOF Chief Science Analyst Dr. Mittens questions some of the methods used by the researchers. “For example, how recently had the dogs from which the slobber was collected performed personal hygiene?  If a good deal of time had elapsed since they last did, well… you know, the kinds of things that dogs do… then the dog germ level in the samples might appear more benign than would be accurate. Dog germs are a real and present threat. That is fact.”

Mittens also charged that the researchers received the majority of their funding for the study from Canine Association for Relaxation and Enjoyment (CARE), an organization with whom ALOOF is frequently at odds.

“Receiving money for a study from any particular interest group is never a good way to ensure reliability,” she said. “Results could easily be skewed this way or that to suit those sponsoring the research.”

CARE top dog under scrutiny

Mittens went on to point out that CARE president and CEO Bowzer currently faces investigation by the United States Department of Justice (DOJ). Sources within DOJ confirmed to The Dozen Dog Diaries that the four-year-old Labrador retriever is alleged to have accepted bribes from several dog biscuit manufacturers in exchange for his group’s endorsements of political candidates supported by the companies.

“Are the results of that Laika University study really the kind of information you want to accept without question?” Mittens queried. “I think this issue deserves a great deal of further examination.”

CARE’s Bowzer did not reply to several email and telephone inquiries from The Dozen Dog Diaries.

However CARE Media Relations Manager Reggie responded with an email stating: 

“The Laika University research team has finally provided the definitive answer to a question long debated. CARE celebrates the conclusion that we and many others have always known in our hearts to be true.

“It’s a well-established fact that the company of a canine is the best medicine for most human troubles. Now we can all rest assured that to cure what ails you, there’s just about nothing better than the love, fidelity, and now scientifically-proven therapeutic value contained in that simple and ancient natural remedy: a dog’s kiss.”

The Dozen Dog Diaries wishes to thank laboratory technician Skipper and research subject #22, a.k.a. Benedikte Bjerre of Graeske Hunde, for allowing use of their images on this page.

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  2. Dr. Pupwhipt makes some excellent points! I'd like to see some research from Dr. Mittens as well..